Ready for this Weekend (I think) and When Being a Parent SUCKS!

It's been a GREAT week! Foods have stayed on track, and I woke up EVERY morning at 5:00 am to do my cardio and even did my nightly weights (all but one night), it's been awesome! Food has and always will be my struggle. Trying so hard to train my MIND that eating is to fuel my body, and not to cover anything up. Not that I'm going through anything out of the normal, but not eating because I'm bored, or stressed, or tired. Or basically just because the tv is on! ;) It has been a HUGE difference in my moods, the way I feel and the energy I have! Day 3 I was a little cranky/hungry, but other than that, it's been a dang good week! I lost my appetite last night, which is RARE for me.. Reason to follow, but it's starting to feel good, and that's what keeps me motivated! Hopefully enough to get me through a weekend, where it is easier to slip up. Weighing in and measuring on Monday's does help too! I also entered a DietBet this week! This is my second time doing one, and I'm excited to do it again! It's a pretty simple deal, you 'bet' $35 that you will lose 4% of your body weight in 4 weeks. They provide meal ideas, a Facebook support group, and workout ideas. It's actually really helpful! I 'won' last time and split the pot with all the other winners. I think I ended up with $46 or something close to that! Nothing big (obviously) but I'm not going to spend $35 and NOT lose my 4%, so it's a nice motivator! Plus, they give away some awesome random prizes just for entering! A fit bit, $100 to Lululemon, Visa gift cards, etc. So fingers crossed for me?! I did just realize that the DietBet ends on February 6th. Yep, Superbowl Monday. :( I almost cried. I love Superbowl foods!!! :(

So to why I lost my appetite last night. I watched our 9 year old on FaceTime with tears rolling down her face and her heart breaking in 9 year old fashion, because we had to be a mean parents. By 'mean', I mean we had to follow through with something we told her we'd do. 

What it meant was - no gymnastics meet at BYU tonight, WITH her best friend AND a sleepover at our house after. She's never been able to have a friend over here (from school) because we just don't know them well enough, or our weekends are jam packed with family stuff so an open weekend is pretty rare. Meaning this was extra heartbreaking for all of us. What she did wasn't crazy serious or awful, she's truly such a good kid. But it was something she's had some struggles with, and been given more responsibilities with, and she didn't hold up her end. We had a good talk (all 5 of us) and I think she gets it and I guarantee because we followed through, she will think next time before letting this happen again. Gosh, I love her and her tears break. my. heart. 

After we talked and told her that we had to follow through with what we said and cancel our plans, she text Jake and wanted to know if she could do chores or clean the whole house to earn it back. (ha ha! So sweet). The answer was, and still is, a firm no. See, you can't 'earn' something back, when you were warned what would happen. Though I do love her heart for it, what is the lesson there? What does she learn from this if we say 'okay', let's still go, or if we had her clean a bathroom and take out the trash? NOTHING!

Another hard part is that we genuinely wanted to go too! Her missing out also means US missing out and that sucks! We arranged tickets with some BYU friends of ours, we had plans to do makeovers afterwards, and bring the tv from the basement up to her room, and I took treat and snack requests from these little girls. It was going to be SO much fun! I was personally excited to finally have a sleepover at our house! We were going to make smoothies for breakfast and everything. We had a plan! It hurt every inch of my soul watching her face turn to complete sadness. I wanted SO badly to say 'let me talk to daddy and we'll call you back'. I wanted to give in and have this fun weekend as planned. I wanted to say 'I think she gets it' and drop it. But, I didn't. Jake and I decided that we had to be firm in our answer long before we saw her face, otherwise those tears would have gotten us (and they still almost did). Jake was equally and completely torn up about it. Jason and Angie are amazing, and even though this incident happened at their house, they would have supported us no matter what we decided to do with our plans and we appreciate that so much! It's hard for K living in two homes, even though we parent very similar, there are differences and there are different rules. She has to learn to live by them wherever she is! I know there are some split families out there who this isn't the case for. Kid gets in trouble at moms, and it's off to 'Disneyland Dads' house for the weekend. And the kids who have super strict rules at dad's and run the show at mom's. It's HARD. It's hard on her and it's hard on us. I also found out after a side conversation with Angie (AFTER we had our talk with K) that they told her they weren't going to tell us, and if she felt she needed to, she should call. She did, with no push from them. What an amazing girl she is! And it made it all sting just a little bit more. 

This parenting thing is no joke. I think at least half or more of Jake and I's disagreements (brawls) are over how we'd like to parent. We are ALL different, every mom, every dad, every step parent, has their own way and reasoning's behind how they want to discipline AND reward their kids. Coming together as a couple and agreeing is hard. Now times that by two more parents. It's tough! We are so lucky and blessed to have a good relationship. Kailee is beyond lucky to be loved by so many, but this situation isn't easy. On us or her. There's a LOT more that goes into it than every other weekend. I wished more families could realize that. It's a TEAM effort, it has to be! And it has to be about more than schedules and drop offs. 

In our discussions last night, I asked Jake what the 'pros' would be of giving her another chance. His response was short and quick and hit me like a brick. "she has a fun night and weekend". He's exactly right! THAT'S IT!! She doesn't learn anything and nothing changes in the future because it wasn't HARD. How unfair of us to raise a child, send her into the world and have her think that every mistake she makes can be fixed by doing a few chores, or by saying sorry, or promising it won't happen again. This night will probably suck for her, and I know it will for us as well, but she'll be a better person because of it. After all, we're not raising happy kids, we are raising compassionate, smart, hard working adults. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad to teach these lessons. :(

I hope she looks back on this night someday and doesn't hate us anymore. I hope she learned that when her parents say something, they mean it and she has to respect them even if she doesn't like what they've asked of her. I hope she's more responsible and that someday, she thanks us for TEACHING her things, not just GIVING her things. 

xoxo,

K's Mean Parents

When Did I Stop Being a Good Wife?

You know how everything in the beginning is SO perfect? How nothing your boy/girlfriend does bothers you? All you see is the good and all you ACT is good? The 'just because' flowers happen often and kissing and affection are CONSTANT? Where being patient and understanding is easy? When it's easy to just roll with it and not have a plan? I truly think people in new relationships are the best versions of themselves, at least that was true for me. I didn't sweat the little things. I didn't get offended by every. flippin'. thing. I initiated conversations, I kissed him a LOT, I cuddled and I couldn't wait to see him after work. I happily made him dinner and packed his lunches. I couldn't wait to do his laundry and fold his shirts perfectly (he loved that!). I helped plan dates, and made sure we had alone time. So where did that girl go?

Dating in early 2011

I was inspired by a story that was going around Facebook yesterday and today. I read it this morning and cried. To sum it up (for the few of you left who haven't read/shared it), a wife who complained and nagged and resented her husband for tossing his dirty clothes on the floor, suddenly didn't have a husband anymore. He died unexpectedly and that's when she realized how much of their marriage was spent fighting or resenting him for petty things like laundry. Really put things in perspective when the things you complain about doing, you can no longer do because that person is no longer here. No more dirty laundry also means no more husband. 

Now, I consider myself semi-traditional. I don't mind making dinner every night, I don't even mind making Jake's plate and taking it to him. I don't believe I am his maid or servant, but I like doing 'wife' things. But there are days I also resent him for all the 'wife' things that I do. ALL the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, etc. Does this mean he doesn't help with those things? Absolutely NOT! He truly helps me prepare or clean up dinner every night, throws a load of laundry in every once in awhile, etc. I realize I'm really lucky that way. Not all women have men who help. Also, not all women have husbands who are also amazing fathers. Again, I have that. He's an incredible daddy.

So what am I bitching about?! I know there are things that happen in a marriage or any relationship really, that can stick around and bother us for awhile. Our needs need to be met, and we have to EXPRESS that in order to get it. And sometimes, even after expressing it, it doesn't always happen or change. Trust me, I know. Not throwing Jake under the bus here, but there are definitely things, even lately, I've asked for more of, and he does them.. for awhile, and then it's kind of back to the usual. 

Why is that? HOW many times do we have to tell them what we need?! WHY do we have to tell them? Can't they just see it? Don't they understand?!? Can't they SEE that the laundry needs done? Or the bathroom needs cleaning? Last I checked I am not the only one who uses it! Does he realize when he leaves for work and the bed isn't made, that when he comes home and it is, I DID IT?! Does he realize when he reaches for clean underwear that they are CLEAN and there ready for him? Does he know it's not magic? That I had to load the washer, change to the dryer, fold and put away all before he got home? These are some of the thoughts I have often even though he thanks me for doing all of those things all the time!

On days when those negative thoughts consume my mind, guess how our nights go? I'm short, irritated and even downright resentful towards him. There is no nice Lacy for cuddling or kissing or dancing in the kitchen like we used to do. 

I have been thinking today about WHY that is. Why doesn't he do those things anymore? Hmmm.. read the last few paragraphs and I'm pretty sure I answered my own question! BECAUSE OF ME!! Why would he want to come home and kiss on me when he walks in the door and I'm already annoyed? Why does he want to cuddle on the couch when the kids are in bed after I've barely spoken to him all night? Why does he want to do the little things around the house that need done when he's busy wondering what the hell my problem is? Ahhh, it all makes sense doesn't it?! ;)

Now listen, I don't think that just because I'm also to blame means Jake should get a free pass to neglect my needs, my feelings or our household responsibilities. A lot of these points are valid, and something he can work on. And a lot of the reasons he DOESN'T do the things I want him to, are because there is something I can work on. It really is full circle. I get what I give and vise versa. 

I find myself wanting him to give me 100%, but I'm only giving him 50%. I'm waiting for him to 'meet me in the middle'. I read something that really struck a nerve, and I've seen it several times, but this time it hit me differently. "Marriage isn't 50/50, marriage is 100/100. Divorce is 50/50. If both partners aren't giving it 100, it doesn't work and you end up splitting things 50/50". How true is that?!

So today, instead of worrying about HIM giving his 50, I'm going to give him my 100, and see what I get in return. I bet it's more than 50!

To those struggling in your marriage or your relationship, don't forget why you got in it in the first place. AND more importantly WHO you were in the first place. If I want him to be that man, I guess I had better be that woman!

Love this man and love being his wife!

xoxo,
Lacy

First weekend down and a rough start to week 2

Well, our first weekend is in the books! It was about 65% good ;)

Friday - we went to a funeral and ended up having a late dinner. I chose a grilled chicken salad and only ate less than half of the dressing with it. That's a tough one for me! I love my salads, but I love my dressings even more! I felt okay after, mostly because I didn't do as well as I'd hoped during the day. I didn't wake up Friday morning to work out, Hank was up in the night and I was tired. Excuse #1. I went to bed determined to have a better day Saturday.

Saturday- Morning started off early, Hank was up at 6:30 even with going to bed after 10:00 pm. Such is life with this kid! ;) I ate a decent breakfast and then drove to Ogden for lunch and catch up with my girlfriends! It was amazing and I laughed and cried and remembered how much I love them! I remembered why we had remained friends over the past decade (plus) and what knowing sharing stories with people who TRULY care felt like. It has been MONTHS since we had gotten together. It felt like it had been a week! I love them, I love their kids, and their husbands.. Man, good friends are hard to beat! We went to Warren's and I wanted fries BAD. I ended up with a salad and a grilled chicken sandwich. Even left half the bun on my tray. I felt good, but still feel like I'm missing out, and not like I'm making a good choice. I can't wait for that feeling to come back. The one where you don't feel sad you 'can't' have something, you CHOOSE not to? yeah, not quite there yet. I was proud though. Drove home and Jake and I did legs and had a healthy dinner. That was nice! I felt like I won that day! 

Sunday - I freaking LOVE football. I freaking LOVE football foods. I love that we always seem to end up with family watching games. This one was no different. Up to mom's to watch the Steelers vs Dolphins playoff game. Tony is a Fins fan, so at least one of us had a good day! ;) Mom made health(ier) foods and I still overindulged. Not as bad as in the past, but not great either. I did 'okay'. Then it was off to family dinner at Jake's parents where I ate too much again! Again, better than a month ago, but not great. Small victories? 

All in all, it made me more determined to have a good week this week. Especially after weighing in and taking measurements. If I can make a tiny bit of progress with doing 'okay', imagine my progress when I stick with it?! That's exciting!

Measurements for week 1 -
Weight: -1.4 lbs
Inches: -2 3/4 "

Hank has had an AWFUL cough since Saturday night. Started in the middle of the night and has been ROUGH. He has no other symptoms, but coughing your head off in the night sure doesn't help to sleep. It's been an exhausting couple of nights. Like, he was ready for a nap at 7 AM today. Of course, fell asleep for 10 minutes, coughed and woke up grumpy. I bawled with him. I am pretty sure the PMS + exhaustion + frustration of my foods + sore body + PMS(deserves two) I just lost my composure. I bawled and poor sweet boy cried harder because I was crying. His cough literally made my skin crawl. I felt like the worst mom alive. And I just wanted to take it away. I hate having sick babies.

On a positive twist, despite being up at 10:15 (after going to bed at 9:30), again at 2:00 and then at 4:00, I somehow got up at 5:00 and did my cardio. It was the best decision, it changed my entire mood. After I finished I woke up Kailee (yay for school night sleepovers!) and we had an amazing morning! We laughed our butts off (at snapchat filters) while I did her hair and our morning ran about as smooth as a school morning possibly could. I'm telling you,that little lady carries an infectious energy with her! I LOVE my bug time! 

After Jake and Kailee left for work and school, Hank and I began our work day. After we cried it out, the rest of our day went better. He ended up falling asleep FINALLY around 10:30 and slept for 2 hours! Man, we both needed that! I got work and laundry done, and later even got in some weights. It was a nice change from the way this day could have gone!

It's hard to get into a routine with so many variables. It's hard to not let all the excuses that worked before work now. It's hard to not turn my exhaustion into anger and resentment. I'm really bad at that, and Jake takes the brunt of it most of the time. It's HARD to say, screw what happened and the little sleep I got, it's time to crush these goals. It's freaking hard. BUT it's harder feeling like crap. And that little thought got my butt out of bed today! 

Things aren't always happy and good around here. I know we put our highlights on social media, but the truth is, a lot of times I feel like an utter failure. I'm working on turning a bad night into a good day, a rough morning into a good afternoon, and a grumpy Lacy into a positive one. One day at a time.. 

xoxo,
Lacy

And then REALITY hits...

3:30 am. I'm WIDE awake. I try just closing my eyes, I try Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I try to close my eyes again. Nothin'. It's now 4:47 am and I'm finally sleepy. I turn my alarm off, knowing that Hank is going to daycare and drift to sleep. 5:00 am, Jake's alarm goes off. We both know he's not getting out of bed until 6:00 so I politely (ha ha) ask him to shut it off. He apparently hit snooze. So now from 5:00 - 5:45 I am woken every 9 minutes to wake Jake to shut his alarm off. It was ROUGH this morning.

I have a little anxiety about Hank going to daycare. Last time he did great, but cried (for awhile) going down for his nap and then napped an hour and a half. That kind of nap is pretty normal for us. Well, NOT for daycare. These kids nap for around 3 hours. My dream kids! Yeah, well, not mine! He did fine, but I could tell it was an adjustment for her. About the crying, I don't mind. I've let him cry multiple times. The stubborn little turd will cry for HOURS. He doesn't care if he has to stand there, or lay there or sit there, he's going to cry until your heart and soul can't take it anymore and save him. He'll then crash into your arms and nap.. for 30 minutes OR 1 1/2 hours. Never really know what you're going to get! Well, oddly enough since he's been sleeping through the night his naps have been MUCH better. A lot of days 2+ hours! YAY! Mommy is ready to try daycare again! I'm trying to push out of my head that the last time he went, from that night through the next 5 weeks, he cried bloody murder if he even thought you were putting him in his bed. NO more putting him down awake, the kid acted like you'd cut his arm off. Granted I hadn't let him cry himself to sleep in awhile, mostly because I don't mind rocking him to sleep for naps, and he NEVER had a problem going down at night.. Well, it's probably coincidence and him hitting that stranger danger/don't let my mom out of my sight phase, but it was ROUGH. My mom thought I was crazy when I thought it was because of daycare, and she's probably right.. So here goes try #2! Of course, this morning he woke up at 5:45 am and was a complete monster! Whining and crying, refusing to eat, not letting daddy hold him, etc. He cried SO hard when Jake walked him out to the car I think my heart broke. He cried until they were almost there and then did okay when they got in. Fingers crossed he's playing and having fun. As hard as it was, we both need these breaks.

I find myself feeling like I have to defend that I need a break. I guess I just figured it'd be like a SAHM deal where it just works. These moms seem to have it together, they're ready and they take their kids to do fun things, they get to play and teach their kids all sorts of fun things. Well, yeah.. part of that is true. Except I'm working so I can't just go do things. I can't control my busy times, or explain to my baby that mommy is busy and needs to focus on these numbers. He doesn't care! In fact, that's when he needs me MORE! And now that he's a HUGE help with laundry (side eye), it's even hard to do household stuff with him here. So on days he actually takes a decent nap, I feel like I can do this and I feel sane. On days I get 30 minutes, I want to pull my hair out. So I'm with him, I'm here, but I'm not patient or nice or fun to be around! So yes, I need a break. Sue me. I'm not built to be a SAHM. I need that sense of accomplishment and that purpose that having a job gives me. I LOVE having a super productive day at work. It gives me that boost. I spent 9 years at a company where I was needed probably a little too much, but I was somebody. I've had to adjust a little to being the girl in Utah while the rest of my team is in VT. But at the same time, I LOVE THAT! I get to still feel needed and get all those feelings of accomplishment, without the insane stress I had for so many years! It really is the best of both worlds, WHEN I do it the right way! To stop babbling now, I'm just not cut out to be a SAHM. Maybe if I had unlimited funds, friends who also stayed home, and my shit together, I would be. But it's just not for me. And I also love my job!

And then there are little moments I think I'm doing alright. Like last night while Kailee was here. When I heard "Lacy watch this" 87 times during our basement work out, when I spotted her on a flip on her new tumbling bar, when she wrote all kinds of encouraging words on the cement floor with chalk, and when I watched her be the most incredible big sister and heard Hank laugh harder than he ever does for me. When she asked, like always, if I could make her a lunch for school and I was excited and happy to do it. And then there was the moment I felt like a failure when she asked what was for dinner and I gave her a few options of our meal preps. BORING. Then she says "I'll have a chicken salad". That NINE year old ate a spinach chicken salad for dinner! And then asked for more, twice! I LOVE her. She's the easiest going, most calm and happy, well mannered girl. I'm a better person and parent when she's around. She brings this excitement and life to our home that really can't be put into words. She is our happy!

Am I the only one who enjoys making school lunches? ha ha. I'm weird!

So my lesson and reality today, is not all days start how you want them to. But guess how today is going to finish?! NOT like it would have a few weeks ago! I worked my butt off and got through a TON of my statements, paid bills, cleaned bathrooms (AGAIN), did a load of laundry, washed our sheets, organized our laundry closet, vacuumed and mopped downstairs (AGAIN) and got my work out in! I can do hard things! I can change the path of my day by just getting to it instead of feeling sorry for myself! Today was NOT a good day, and then I decided to change my mind and MAKE it a good day. Happy Thursday, blog friends! Not all days are good, and that's life. It's what we MAKE of those days that changes everything!

xoxo,
Lacy

If You're Tired of Starting Over Then Stop Giving Up

Well, hello 2017 Motto!

I remember like it was yesterday talking with my grandma Jeri about my weight loss. It was over Thanksgiving of 2014 in California. We were talking about eating the right foods, exercising and the way it changes people. There was something about my grandma telling me every morning afternoon and night how good I looked that made me so proud. It made every early morning, long workout, sore muscle and exhausted everything worth it. A lot of people complimented me during and after my 40 lb weight loss, and man, if I could bottle up those feelings that I felt EACH and EVERY time I heard it, I'd be set on compliments for life. It. Felt. So. Good! I never did it for the recognition, but it sure felt nice to for others to acknowledge the hard work that goes into it. I remember telling her I felt way too good, I'd never go back to how I was before. And I meant it! I felt AMAZING! I was in a maintenance phase with my weight loss and I was keeping the weight off, still living life, eating clean for the most part but having at least a few cheat meals here and there, and working out at least 5x a week. I knew how it felt to feel awful and now I knew how it felt to feel fit and healthy and happy. No WAY was I going back! And then when my brother came home from his mission, I was SO excited for him to see me in person. He had seen pictures and said a few things over email, but I'll never forget how happy it made me as we were walking out of the restaurant the night he got home and he said 'so how much weight did you lose?' Ya know how people say nothing tastes as good as skinny feels? These were two of those moments for me. 

January 1, 2015. The day I found out I was pregnant. MOTIVATION!

I actually was at near my lowest at my 8 week pregnancy appointment. I had gone up and down about 5 lbs but was right in the ideal range for my height. I was SO happy to know I'd be starting off my pregnancy extra healthy. And I truly attribute my amazing pregnancy to being the healthiest I had ever been in my life. Jake and I were getting up at 3:45 am to hit the gym by 4:15 at least 3 days a week. During my FIRST trimester! ya know, the extra tired one?! It was amazing how good I felt. I told my doctor I was really concerned about weight gain and he told me the range he'd like me to stay in and I knew I could do it. 30 lbs, that was pretty average for pregnancy and I was excited that he told me I had that much I could gain. I figured he'd want me even less. I was focused on a healthy babe, and not the pounds, but I had worked too hard to just let myself go just because I was pregnant. I actually did great until about 8 months. Then the weight was coming on a little faster than I wanted. But I had worked out consistently until about 7 1/2 months. It got a little harder, and it was hot out. So I decided to let my body rest. I still ate pretty well for the most part, I didn't have many cravings, but by the end the weight added up anyway. I ended up gaining 42 lbs, and though it was more than I wanted, I also felt pretty good and knew that it wasn't because I let myself go. My body just did what it needed to do to get a healthy babe here. I was more than okay with it.

After I delivered I didn't dare weigh myself. I wish so badly I had, just to see where I was. I remember the first time I did, Hank was about 3 1/2 months old. We were in our new house and I was terrified to step on the scale. Most of my pre pregnancy pants fit, tight, but they fit. I was still scared. I stepped on anyway and was pleasantly surprised to see I had dropped 31 of the 42 lbs! I was breastfeeding and starving and though I kept pretty active between a newborn and packing and moving, I knew if I cleaned up my diet even a little bit, I'd drop that last 11 easily. 

January 2016

And that's when I got cocky. It was January and from then through March I did start working out a bit more but didn't change my diet. I would take Hank on walks on days it wasn't too cold, and did a few weights here and there. I cleaned up my eating, but still snacked a LOT. I hit 7lbs above that 8 week appointment weight mid March. I was ecstatic! My body looked and felt much softer, but the weight was coming off and I knew I could tone up with a little cardio and more weights. And then, I didn't. We went to St George for Kailee's dance competition and I felt pretty dang good in a swimsuit. I wasn't uncomfortable, or embarrassed. I wasn't near where I wanted to be, but I was headed in the right direction. I ate to my hearts content while we were there. Hello, vacation foods! And then, it didn't stop. 

March 2016

I came home, and continued eating like I was on vacation, minus a healthy few meals here and there up through a few days ago. I'm mortified and embarrassed to say that I'm just about 10-12 lbs shy of when I delivered. :( I could have cried yesterday when I stepped on that scale. HOW did this happen?! HOW could I let myself do this? After all that hard work, keeping it off during pregnancy, and getting down so close to my goal weight just 9 months ago? How am I going to do this again?! I felt so discouraged and just wanted to bawl. Mostly because it's overwhelming to think about all the time and work ahead. It took me 9 months last time. 9 months of consistency, 9 months of passing on foods I love and 9 months of HARD HARD work. Am I really ready for this? Granted when I started I really had no idea what kinds of food to eat. I thought if I ate less it would work. Or if I ate more salads. Only problem is, less is not always better, sometimes it's worse! And don't get me started on salads! To eat a healthy one, you basically can't have cheese or dressing, at least not the kinds I like! And then there is the croutons!! ha ha. It took me MONTHS to realize that a Caesar salad was NOT healthy! ;) I'm hoping since I know now what it takes, it will come off a little faster. 

This picture was taken in November, 2016. Never made it to social media, because well.. I look fat. Reality right here.

I do know that doing it the RIGHT way is not quick. It's not a pill or a wrap or a shake. It's clean eating and moving your body. I know what my body responds to now, so at least I have that going for me. I know it's going to take some cardio, but more importantly it's going to take weights. Heavier than I'm comfortable with. It's going to take early mornings and MAKING time. Time won't find me, I have to find it. And now that I'm a full time mom, time isn't as easy to find. BUT, I know just in these last 2 days, when I get up just an hour earlier and have that hour to myself, in a dark and quiet house, I'm a better mommy. I have more time than I ever realized before, just by starting a routine. GETTING my butt out of bed and MOVING! It's slow, and way harder than I remember, but I've done it and already felt better! By the time Hank woke up today, I had done T25 Cardio, drank my ACV drink, made and drank a cup of coffee and started blogging. I then was able to start work (at 6 am) and get a few statements started. All by getting up just ONE hour earlier! And I slept SO good last night too, my body was tired and it felt so nice to go to sleep without a belly ache! 

My routine is simple but there have been a few changes I've made that feel really good. I'm going to put it out there not because it works for everyone, or anyone really, but to hold myself accountable. I'll be able to read back and remember that even when it's hard to set that Monday morning alarm on Sunday nights, that it makes a WORLD of difference during my day and week. I'm a better mom, wife and employee because I'm MAKING this work. I make my day, my day doesn't make me. Man, it feels good to have a little control again! SO many things in my life are out of my control, but my schedule, my foods and my workouts are 100% on me. And thank you, baby Hank for sleeping through the night FINALLY! We're on night 8 of no wake ups. Ladies and gentlemen, in his 16 months of life he's slept through the night 3 nights in a row TWICE until this point. TWICE. And probably slept completely through the night a total of less than 15 times. To have 8 nights in a row is LIFE CHANGING! I told Jake this morning, had he slept like this at 4 months-ish when MOST babies do, we'd have another one on the way! ;) ha ha. He wasn't amused and mumbled something about packing bags ;) Anyway, babies who sleep are more loved, judge me! Until you've been sleep deprived for almost 2 years (with pregnancy) I don't want your opinion! I'll go to my grave saying that sleep deprivation is the worst thing I've ever been forced to do. I truly wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. There were days and nights I literally was in tears and near losing my shit. There were days and nights I lost my shit completely. All because I was so. freaking. tired. So Hank, THANK YOU for finally joining this sleep party! It's pretty great, isn't it?! Annnnnd now back to my schedule! Sorry about that! We're pretty stoked about the sleep thing going on at our house!!

5:00 am - wake up - get dressed, start coffee and downstairs to work out

5:45 am - drink my ACV drink (gag), pour a cup of Joe and head upstairs to my office, start blog, check bank statements, personal email etc.

6:00 am - wake Jake, log into work and begin my work day.

6:30 am-ish - Hank wakes up and the juggling begins!

Until 3:00 pm the rest of my day consists of keeping a 16 month old occupied and fed, working statements, emails, and throwing in laundry or whatever other housework can fit. 

On day's I don't have Hank I get more done than I do the rest of the week! I've gotten pretty good at juggling the work and home duties on those days. During my lunch break or slow times I clean out closets, or clean bathrooms, etc. Yesterday (Hank was at Grandmas) I was able to plow through my work, and then during lunch clean bathrooms, kitchen and vacuum and sweep and mop my downstairs. And in between work stuff do 4 loads of laundry. After work I blogged and created my vision board while waiting for Jake and Hank to get home. I even shoveled the driveway! Yesterday was a good day.

Once Jake got home, I started some more meal prep and then we headed down to the basement to do some weights. Hank played and watched Baby Einsteins while we got our workout in. After, Jake headed to the gym in our neighborhood to get his cardio done and Hank and I played trucks and read books. It was SUCH a good night! I felt like a good mommy and like my time with Hank was well spent! That felt really good. After dinner and putting Hank to bed around 7:30 Jake and I got to snuggle and watch one of our shows (Shooter- SO good!). All of this because of a schedule!! 

Let me tell you a little about my days previous to setting a schedule. They started at 5:54 am when my alarm would go off for the 3rd time. I'd get up, drag my sleepy butt to my office and log into work. I'd go down and if I was lucky, I'd have coffee made and a cup poured before the monster woke up. And then it was off to the races. But instead of doing chores or laundry or something productive while I tried my best to occupy him during breaks or lunches, I'd put the tv on in the background and snack. ALL DAY LONG. This is embarrassing, but there were days I'd catch up on 5-6 episodes of whatever. Damn Netflix ;). And I'd get ready about an hour before Jake came home from work. Then, because I felt like crap about MYSELF, I'd be short or snippy with him when it came to taking care of Hank. Then we'd go to sleep, and repeat. My break days (Hank at grandma's) I'd cram in all the work and chores possible and then they'd come home and I'd be exhausted because, ya know.. I did stuff! ;)  

To start off this year and this new schedule, Hank will be going to my mother in law's on Tuesdays and to the daycare down the street on Thursdays. We started daycare about 2 months ago, but he's only been ONCE! So ONE time in my 14 months working from home, have I had 2 days a week to get stuff done. I work FULL time, so to have the time to focus without a million interruptions is pretty awesome! This gives me time to be more productive and take on more work. It gives me time to get my house chores done, etc. It gives me a break, okay! ha ha. Listen, stay at home mom's, I don't know HOW you do it! I am not built that way, I get antsy or incredibly lazy. It takes a LOT of discipline to get up and get your stuff done, get ready, etc. when you don't HAVE to be anywhere at a certain time. I also understand the TREMENDOUS heartache it must be for you working mama's who have to drop your babies off to work 40 hours a week! Again, all hard! Just different hards!

I feel like I've now officially laid it all out there. I've said ALL the embarrassing things my soul can handle for one day! ;) Mostly, I want this blog to hold me accountable too!

I created a vision board for this year. For those of you who don't know what that is, look it up on Pinterest. Pretty amazing deal! I love how mine turned out. It's motivating and inspiring and keeps me focused on short term AND long term goals. 

I think I've blabbed enough today. I do quickly want to say thanks for all the kind words of encouragement yesterday. I was blown away by the people who read and related in some way. That's exactly what I was hoping for! Thanks for letting my 'out' be something that helps you too! It makes my day!

To schedules, routines and breaks for mamas! 

xoxo,

Lacy

Welcome 2017 - Our Year of CHANGE!

Well, hello blog world! Is anyone still out there?! It's early January and clearly my resolutions are off to a great start! Check back in March and we'll see if this thing is still rolling! I've been thinking a lot about blogging lately, and with a little encouragement and a fresh start of a new year, I think it's time to get back into it!

I debated changing the name of this blog. I debated what I wanted to blog about and the direction I wanted to take this. I obviously have health and fitness goals, I LOVE to cook and find new yummy recipes, I am the proudest Lacy/mama to ever exist, and I have a few unique situations and perspectives on life. So what do I want this blog to be? A journal? A fitness blog? Recipes? A butt load of pictures of my kids? A step family how-to and how-NOT-to? A stay at home/ work at home mama play by play? My Rodan + Fields business and my love for these products? To be honest, I have no clue. But really, Just the Beginning really is fitting for all of them. If I had 'made it' in any sense of my life, I wouldn't be here right now. But I'm still learning and still growing, so to me, it is still JUST THE BEGINNING! I'm ready to share it with you all, like I always have ;) on a more intimate level and not just via Social Media. I want to document my life, my struggles, my successes, my goals, my strengths and my weaknesses. And I'm sure to throw in LOTS of pictures and stories of my littles and their daddy - because THEY are my true happiness! :) I can't tell you that I know where this will go, or if it will be read by a single soul. But I'm ready to get my words out and this was always the best way to do it for me!

Fitness Life- well, after losing nearly 40 pounds 2 years ago, it's all found it's way back. I had a baby, but that really wasn't it. I was about 15 lbs from my pre pregnancy weight a year ago (with a 4 month old). Now, I'm back up to where I was late pregnancy. Seriously!? How does that happen? Well, let me tell you. It happens by eating ALL DAY LONG! The biggest struggle for me has been working from home and having my kitchen steps away. I just snack ALL day. It's bad. Sometimes I don't even eat a full meal, it's just a little junk here, a lotta junk there, repeat until bed. THAT is how it happens. I've been incredibly lazy on top of all the holiday foods and it's caught up to me in every way. I have gone to bed MULTIPLE nights sick from all the food eaten that day. I have done NOTHING to fuel my body and give me energy, let alone MOVE my body. I'm sick of it, I'm sick of my clothes not fitting, I'm sick of feeling frumpy and down right chubby. I've got mom bod, but not from my baby. It's from ME! That changes TODAY. We threw out all the junk, but to be honest I'm so motivated I don't think I needed to do it. My mind is there and I'm ready to take back some control! We meal prepped yesterday and it's GO TIME! I've taken measurements, and when I'm brave enough I'll share them. For now, weekly weigh ins and measurements will happen on Monday's and I'll share at least my inches/pounds lost with you. Not sure I'll ever be able to share pictures. Yikes! :( Here's to finding my confidence and happiness with my body, it's overdue!

My Kids- yes kid(S). I will forever refer to them both as mine, because, well, they ARE! I may have given birth to just one of them, but I'm telling you I'd take a bullet in a heartbeat for either of them. I LOVE and LIVE for those two! They are my happiness and my motivation in every aspect of my life. Kailee is 9, going on 16. She is the most mature 9 year old I have ever met, no lie. She is everything I could ever want her to be in a big sister, and is truly the best little friend and help to me. She loves dance, tumbling, art, school, emojis, her brothers and her friends! We are hitting the years where friends are her top priority and none of us are quite ready for it, but it's reality! I adore everything about her! She definitely has her moments but man, that kid is about as good as they come! LOVE HER! Baby Hank is not our baby anymore! He's huge, and happy and so so fun right now! He's finally walking, saying lots of words, and is truly the most tender hearted little boy! He hates to see anyone sad, and has the saddest and cutest pouty face you will ever see! He loves his mama, and is the best kisser ever! He loves to blow kisses, give hugs and snuggle! Gosh, how did we ever live without him?! My happiest mommy moments are when we are ALL 4 together and listening and watching my kids interact and laugh. It's beyond any words I could ever put on paper. It's what life is all about!

Marriage - it's still hard. REALLY hard! And Jake is still without a doubt the best thing about me. I love being his wife, even when I don't like him very much! ;) No, he really is such a sweet man. He's an incredible daddy and an amazing husband. He works hard for us, and I never have to ask him to play or help with our kids. He's always right there and in it with me. I love him for that. Marriage is work, and we've noticed when we stop working, because things are going fine, somehow we end up fighting and distant. Marriage is something you have to work at EVERY SINGLE DAY, and if you stop, things get hard. Jake and I have always said that putting our marriage first makes us better parents, and it truly does. When I get what I need from him, and he gets what he needs from me, we are better people all around! I love living this life with him, through thick and thin! 2016 was rough on us, but he never let go of my hand. It may be a cheesy quote to some, but it's the absolute truth for me. I can conquer the world with one hand, and long as he is holding the other!

Step Family - Okay, so somehow I ended up in a situation I never even considered. To be honest, even while dating Jake I don't think I ever realized what being a part of a blended family meant. I didn't think about how for the rest of my life, I'd have to work and struggle and share. And I'm the step parent! Also, somehow I ended up in the absolute BEST family I could have ever imagined. You know what, that's exactly what we are is FAMILY. We are a blended one, a non traditional one, but a family nonetheless. Does that mean it's always easy? HELL NO! It's as hard as marriage! BUT, it's worth every second! I LOVE our time together! I love when we drop off or pick up and it lasts for an hour. I love that we get together for Christmas and that we have dinner together after every parent teacher conference. I love that we share stories and struggles of Kailee and that the 4 of us together make decisions about her well being. I love that we booked a condo together for the 2nd year in a row for one of K's out of town dance competitions. I love that we work out schedules and switch nights and weekends to make sure K is where she needs to be. I am BEYOND grateful to have found a new friend, who I confide in about a lot of things that you wouldn't think I'd be comfortable with. It truly is AMAZING. And it truly is HARD. Every year, half the holidays are spent without K. Every year two of the four of our hearts are breaking on Christmas morning. And on Thanksgiving, Easter and 4th of July and on the morning of August 25th. It's not always easy, and feelings get hurt, and families miss out, I also want to be honest about that and not just our fun times. It's hard and it's work! After talking with Angie and getting her okay, we'd like to share some of that too. There are SO many people who share our situation and we want to help those people understand both sides! It IS possible to not only make it work, but to make it HAPPY! And then there's the side where I'm also a child of divorced parents. Which means we had about 2948 Christmas parties to attend. It's not easy, but I try and we try to make the best of it!

Working/Stay at home mom- Man, I wish I could have seen the other side of the fence when I thought I had it figured out! Ha ha! When I thought stay at home mom's had ALL the time in the world. Again, ha ha! I guess the biggest thing I've learned is that it's ALL hard. Working full time, staying at home, working at home, working part time, day care, being with your kids ALL day, it's freaking hard! And it's time we start giving each other  and ourselves credit for our own 'hards'! Mommies, we are pretty damn special! I've struggled coming up with a routine that works. I've blamed SO much on Hank being an awful sleeper. I've blamed an up and down daycare/grandma day situation, I've blamed being busy or not busy with work. I've blamed everything on someone or something other than ME. So today, I started a schedule. It's early and it's day 1, but I'm excited for what I can accomplish in a day when my day has a plan! I love my job, I truly do and I'm looking forward to taking on more work and being more valuable to a company who remembered me and offered me this amazing position! I work with some AMAZING people and that makes me love it even more! I'm SO excited about my R+F business and journey! These products are amazing and I love the happiness and confidence they are bringing the people who use them, myself included! I can't wait to see where this thing goes!

If you are still reading, bless you and I'm sorry! My intentions weren't to throw it all out there, but more to explain where I am in life right now. Where I want to be in the future and the steps I'm taking to get there. I've been in a somewhat dark and lonely place for the last 6 months, and I guess somewhere deep inside I'm hoping that there is ONE person out there reading this who I can help. Someone who needs a little inspiration, or someone who can relate. I want to make an impact on this world, I want to help people. I want to find my passions and share them with the people I love and care about. And I guess for now, this blog is where I'll try to start!

xoxo,
Lacy

Hank's Birth Story

I have to get this all down before I forget too many of the details of truly the BEST. DAY. EVER! After the stress of the last few weeks, not wanting him to be born on Kailee's birthday, then needing him to hurry and get here before the baptism, it's nice to now just remember that time in our lives as the most amazing time that it truly was!

Wednesday, September 2nd 2015. My last day at work until November! I was strangely calm all day, I was excited but didn't feel overly anxious or stressed. I knew no matter what that TOMORROW my baby would be in my arms! The day went by pretty fast, we only worked until 2 pm and then it was off to get Kailee from the bus to spend some time with her. The only time I ever got emotional during my entire pregnancy it was about her.. I worried about EVERYTHING! How she was feeling, what she was thinking, how she was going to handle this change, how WE as parents to just one were going to handle this change.. everything that made me nervous revolved around our Kbug! I can now say, I worried too much. I over thought everything. I stressed WAY more than I needed, or was healthy. It was bad. It wasn't that I didn't give her credit, I knew she would be amazing as a sister, it was just a big change. Going from life and our time completely revolved around her, to now a baby too, it was just strange. I never wanted her to feel left out or like she was loved any less. We left Lehi (in tears) about 8 pm. I hugged her one more time as our only child, it was bittersweet! Then it was home to Riley and Cheyanne waiting for us, this sweet (almost) sister of mine offered to fill my lashes so they would be perfect for all the pictures that were sure to come in the next few days. She's the sweetest and best lash artist ever! Love her!

After lashes Riley and Chey left so Jake and I finished packing our hospital bags and climbed into bed about 11 pm. I was sure I wasn't going to be able to sleep, I mean, tomorrow I am having a BABY! Let me tell you what, going to bed knowing it was the last night I'd be pregnant, the last night I wouldn't be up with a new babe, the last night it was just Jake and I.. it was SO strange! But I crashed, waking only once to pee (again with no contractions - side eye) and fell right back to sleep. The alarm went off, and by habit I hit snooze. I rolled over only to be consumed with the most INSANE butterflies ever! I slipped out of bed and headed for the bath tub. I sat in there for a good 30 minutes. It was so quiet in the house, it was 4:30 am and I was surely the only one awake in the world, or so it felt. It was a peaceful, reflective few moments for me that I needed and now cherish. I prayed, I cried, I smiled, I got nervous, I got excited and I was a million other things all at once. It was my last morning with this belly I had grown to love, my last morning rolling out of bed like a walrus ;), my last quiet bath alone for at least a few years and it was special. I was adamant that I didn't want to be induced, but looking back and having that morning to myself and to be prepared was pretty nice!

I hated my stretch marks the moment I got them, and its not easy for me to share this picture. But I want to remember how beautiful I felt in that moment. Yoga pants, sports bra and a big ol' belly never felt more beautiful to me. Something special was sure to happen that day!

I woke Jake up and we both got ready. The night before I was told to call the hospital to verify my check in time. They told me 7 am, but to call back about 6:30 to make sure they had room for me. I was certain I'd get ready and call and they'd tell me to come in at 4:00 pm, but that wasn't the case. 7:15 it was! I was so relieved to get a morning start! Since we were about 20 minutes away from Riverton Hospital we headed right out to the car and I remember squeezing Jake's hand as we walked out the gate and telling him it would be our last time walking out without a baby! We were both so excited, but again, pretty calm! Jake was hungry but I of course, had no appetite. We swung by McDonald's and grabbed breakfast and a coffee. I hardly drank my coffee because I was so worried about us being late. Looking back I would have forced myself to eat! It's a long day and I was hungry! ;) I am NEVER late, and here we were, late to induction! So funny after all the waiting we did, that me of all people would be late that day! We pulled up to the hospital about 7:20 and my dad and grandparents were already there! I tried telling them the night before not to come down until noon or so, but they weren't having it! They were too excited too! I remember very clearly the walk from the car to the front doors. I was ready to do this! I was SO ready for my baby boy to be here! We hit the elevators and I pressed the button for the 3rd floor, Labor and Delivery. This was it! It was time! No more waiting, no more wondering.. this was it! FINALLY!

I walked in to be greeted by my grandparents and dad and then it was in to the nurses station to check in. I gave all my info and they put the hospital bracelet on me. Suddenly it was all becoming so real! I had the sweetest two nurses, that sadly for the life of me, I can not remember either of their names. One was a middle aged nurse, she had worked L&D for years. She was so sweet. The other girl was young, absolutely GORGEOUS and it was her first day! I was her first patient! She had just been hired into L&D and I was going to be her first birth as a nurse, of course she had witnessed others, but the first she was able to 'participate' as a full time nurse and not in training! Of course this young, beautiful girl was going to watch me push out a baby! That wasn't intimidating or anything! ;) Funny how long that lasted.. a whole 10 minutes! After that I am pretty sure 34534 people saw my whoo-haw and I didn't care in the slightest!

I was Group B Strep positive so I had to be on an antibiotic 4 hours prior to the doctor breaking my water. Dr Nichols came in about 8:15 on his way to the office and checked me. I was still at a 2+ but i was 100% thinned. I was a little disappointed to not be further along, but that's what I was there for! They started the pitocin about 8:45. Dr Nichols told me he'd be back on his lunch break to break my water! The family started rolling in and the next few hours were full of family and contractions! Stephanie showed up, then my mom, Riley and Cheyanne, and Lindsay. It was so nice to have so much support! They had a rule, only 4 visitors at a time in the room (besides dad). But they were so great about the big family and letting people come in and out!

I wanted to hold off on the epidural as long as possible. Oh, don't get me wrong, I wanted it! But just wanted to feel the contractions a little. Call me crazy! I didn't want to become so numb that I had cement legs. I started feeling pretty strong contractions by 10 am, and after breathing through the most painful 7 seconds, the pain would subside until the next one. They were about 5 minutes apart at that time. At 11:00 I was done being tough and ready to be comfortable so I called the nurse and told her I was ready. She checked me and I was a 4 and then called for the anesthesiologist. I was SO nervous for the epidural and was warned by the nurse not to wait too long to ask for it as he sometimes is a little while before he can get to me. The anesthesiologist was in the room in 5 minutes! I was shocked! We found out during our 15 minutes with him that he was a big Y fan, and actually headed out to Nebraska the next morning for the game. We talked football while I looked at Jake begging him not to look at the needle, I swear I was more nervous to watch Jake see it, than I was to actually get it! He held me tight and kept telling me not to be scared. I felt the numbing pokes, but just barely. He told me to hold still, but we were still talking football and the next thing I knew, I heard wrappers behind me. I couldn't believe it! I was done already! I did say 'wow, are you already done?!" and he was quick to say he was. I told him I loved him and that he was my favorite person ( I really did! haha ) and was SO relieved to have that done and to not have felt a THING! I went numb pretty quickly but could still lift my legs a little. PERFECT! I enjoyed the next hour or so with family and in NO pain. It was fun to watch the contractions on the screen and not feel them ;)



After epidural ;)

Our morning had gone about as perfect and smooth as you could possibly hope for. I heard them call Dr. Nichols right at noon and tell him I was ready. I was progressing well, and now that I had the antibiotic for the 4 hours, I was good to have my water broken! He came over and broke it about 12:45 pm. In the room at the time it was him and the two nurses. He broke my water (SO weird) and told me he'd see me tonight for baby time! He was chatting with the nurse and suddenly they all stopped and watched the monitor. Our perfect morning was about to take a scary turn. One I will never ever forget. The silence alone was deafening. The looks on their faces as they looked at each other and then the monitor and back to each other was absolutely horrifying. Dr Nichols put gloves back on and came back to my side. He started pushing on my belly. He then said "the baby's heart rate has dropped. we need to get it back up" Then quickly looked at the nurse and said "stop the pit and get her oxygen".  In two seconds she strapped the oxygen on me and I was in tears. I had no idea what was going on, but I was so scared! I had spent a lot of time with this man over the last 8 months. Most of our appointments lasted much longer than the check up because he was always chatting and telling Jake and I funny stories. This doctor now, was all business. It made me even more nervous to see the complete change in his demeanor. It was probably only a minute or two, but it felt like an eternity. The next thing I knew there was another nurse in the room and he yelled to have Dr Something be ready. Guessing now the anesthesiologist in OR. He looked and Jake and I and said "guys, we've got to get your baby out". I cried and said "yes, okay whatever we need to do". They pulled out the scrubs for Jake and in 2 seconds were ready to send me off for an emergency c-section. He then reached up (TMI) and pushed around hard. I didn't feel much (THANK YOU EPIDURAL) but my whole bottom half of my body moved off the bed. Slowly, the beeping stopped and our sweet boy's heart rate started to climb. At that point there were several people in the room all staring at the monitors. It was still quiet and again, probably just a few moments but felt like eternity. He explained that when my water broke, baby slid down and must have gotten the cord wrapped around his neck. With the pushing he did, he was able to get it off somehow. I cried and cried and thanked him a million times. He put the wire monitor on baby's head to closer monitor the heart rate and told me he would be back later on to see how I was doing. Slowly everyone left the room and Jake and I just sat quietly for a moment wondering what had just happened. After that, my body was shaking uncontrollably and I was a bit nauseous. The family slowly came back in and retelling that story as each walked in my room made me realize how blessed I was to still be sitting there, and to have my sweet boy's heart at a healthy rate. It was awful! I think my nerves and the shock is what made me so nauseous and all I remember for the next hour or so was Cheyanne rubbing my feet and my mom giving me peppermint oil under my tongue to help with the nausea while my body shook constantly. It took about an hour but I finally stopped shaking and felt okay again. The family all decided to head down to grab drinks and a snack around 2 pm after my last check (I was a 6). Jake and I sat quietly and pretty soon, the pressure became unbearable.. I pushed my epidural drip for the first time, waited a few minutes and no change. After toughing it out for what felt like forever, Jake finally called the nurse and told her I was in some pain. She came in and decided to check me. She asked the younger nurse to do it this time. She did and said 'umm I think she's like an 8?". I was glad to be progressing so quickly and remember Jake saying 'good job baby, that was fast!'. Then the other nurse decided to check as well since she had been the only one checking me before. She giggled and said "Oh she's not an 8, she's a 10. That isn't the side of the cervix you feel, that is baby's head!" I was so relieved that I wasn't being a big pansy about it! It was time! She had me start a few practice pushes and let me know that 'pressure/pain' wasn't going anywhere until the baby was born! It was time!

My family returned sometime after that and walked in the door only to be yelled at by the nurse to get out! I can still hear her say 'everyone out, she is pushing!". I think they were shocked as well. This was about 3 or so. I pushed for what felt like an eternity (about an hour) and then was told to STOP pushing or this baby was coming before the doctor could get there! There were a few times my body literally was pushing itself and I was trying to stop it! It was so crazy! I remember one nurse telling the other nurse to tell Dr Nichols to hurry, and a few moments later telling him he didn't have time to scrub up. This baby was coming out!

Seeing Dr Nichols sit at the end of  my bed was one of the best and most comforting feelings I can remember! I was instantly calm. I pushed through 2-3 contractions and very clearly remember looking up at Jake feeling absolutely exhausted and he told me to keep going, he could see his head! I could just tell (and feel) that he was right there! Another push or two and we would meet our son! That final push came and out came our sweet, perfect, healthy baby boy. I knew in that moment my life was forever changed!

They placed him on my chest and all I could do was cry and say "hi baby" over and over again. He wasn't crying yet, so they didn't give me too much time before pulling him away. Jake walked over with him to the tiny station where I heard my baby boy cry for the first time! It was the greatest sound! I looked down at my arm to see poop all over, hello mommy life! That was fast! ;)

It felt like eternity before he was back on my chest, though I'm sure it was less than 3 minutes. I don't know how to ever put those moments into words other than it was the greatest day of my life.. Looking at my sweet boy and my amazing husband, and knowing I couldn't love either of them any more than I did in that very moment. It was incredible. 8lbs 6 oz 21 inches long and a perfectly healthy baby boy! A very BIG baby boy! :)

I told the nurses I was ready for my family, and I had left strict instructions that a special little girl be the first to enter the room. She walked in with the biggest smile on her face, and THAT was the moment my heart burst! My family, ALL of us together! She kissed his head and didn't stop smiling! It was truly a moment I will never forget. She was already so sweet with him. Then it was Grandma and the rest of the family in to see our little man. They were all smitten with him!

The nurse kindly told us that if I wanted to nurse, in the first hour of life was the best time to try. I am so thankful for her, she helped me get started and that sweet boy nursed like a champ! The hold she taught me was a bit uncomfortable, so after she left the room a few minutes later I switched sides and more comfortable positions. He nursed for 40 minutes! YAY! I was so extremely relived and proud of him! Those moments were so special and some I will forever cherish! The nurse walked back in and was amazed that we had not only switched sides by ourselves but that he was properly latched and still eating! Go baby boy! He loves food as much as mommy and daddy! ;)

The family was told they could meet us in the recovery room. After gathering all of our things, it was time to leave L&D and head to recovery with our perfect nameless baby! I held him as they wheeled me down to the room and stared at his sweet face the entire time! He was mine, Jake and I created this tiny human that would forever change our lives! I would relive that day and those moments a million times if I could.. I'm not quite sure how anyone who has experienced a miracle of bringng a child into this world could ever question if there is a God. It was the most amazing, spiritual, and emotional moments of my life and without question, divine! Welcome to the world, baby boy. Mama already loves you SO much!