Tuesday, December 27, 2011

That was ROUGH!

Started writing a Facebook post, and thought it might be a bit too personal.. Then I thought about a blog, and again, maybe a bit too personal.. but somehow, writing it out feels better.. and since I know there are MANY out there going through the same thing.. I am not going to worry about 'too personal'.. this is my blog, and those who chose to read it care enough, I hope.. to listen to the not so great things too..

This Christmas was HARD. Beautiful, happy, and I got spoiled rotten.. I got to be at my Mom's with my Jake, my sister and her hubby, my little brother, my parents and grandparents who were in California for a few months.. But two little things were missing. Little B and Kailee Bug. Wow, was that HARD! Who knew a 2 year old and a 4 year old could make life THAT much sweeter? Lots of changes this year.. Linds and I are now married.. The guys were with us last year, but this was our first Christmas married.. No McMurdie family party on Christmas Eve.. that was weird. First Christmas of my whole life not going with the McMurdie side on Christmas Eve.. I understand why, the family is out of control HUGE, and you don't really get to talk to anyone other than your immediate family, but weird, none the less.. We didn't open a single present until after noon.. Which is weird.. We're an early rising, open all our presents before breakfast family. So to wait until after Church and breakfast seemed a little strange.. But mostly.. we were missing two little girls who have stolen all of our hearts! Seems that's all we could talk about.. wondering what they were doing, if they were excited, if Santa had come, all of it! Linds and I were trying to keep each other positive.. Since it was just as hard for her.. Luckily, our next 'off' year, we'll have her little baby to keep us company! :) Grateful for that!

We were lucky and got to talk to Brooklynn and Kailee within an hour of each other.. Brooklynn got a princess tent for her mommies house, and oddly enough, so did Kailee :) We thought that was pretty cool! The girls talked to us for a minute or two, but were so busy having fun with their new toys, that we seemed more of an annoyance than anything.. I get it.. but it was HARD! Last year seemed rough, we didn't have Kailee.. But Brooklynn was there to distract us a little bit, and we were able to get Kailee for the afternoon.. But we had decided around the first of the year when planning holidays with Angie, that we'd try to get the girls on the same year, so we went one more year without having her.. And we also talked about letting the person with the 'on' year, keep her for the whole holiday. Which I know is the best decision.. for everyone. But our off years are going to be ROUGH!

I went up to bed a little earlier than Jake on Christmas Eve. I didn't want to upset him in anyway, and I needed a minute to myself. I laid in bed wondering if Kailee was already asleep.. thinking about how excited she had to have been, and wondering what she'll think Christmas morning. I shed a few tears.. Of happiness, and a little selfishness. I missed her. A lot! I couldn't help but be overjoyed that she was a part of my life..  and that next year would be AWESOME! But a little part of me was SO sad that it meant that every other year would just feel empty. I am so grateful to have the relationship I do with Angie. I know that every year, her and I can talk about how much fun we had, and also how hard it was.. And that we can get each other through the 'off years'. I am not naive enough to think that it won't be even harder for her next year.. it will.. And I hope Jake and I can always be understanding enough to help her through it on her 'off years'. Because the on years, are that much better!

On the positive side, IT'S CHRISTMAS WEEK FOR US! :) We get to celebrate TWICE!!! Merry Christmas week, all! :) We get the girls for the whole weekend coming up, and Santa will be to Grandma Merrilee's on Friday night! We are SO excited! We get 2 Christmases this year!

So grateful for the strong support system that we have.. It keeps us positive, it keeps us excited! Thankful for my mom, Linds, our grandparents, and Angie for making this as easy as possible on us.. As hard as this year is, next year will be TOTALLY worth it! Kudos to those of you who live this same life.. For staying positive and getting through it the best you can.. I know I'm the 'step parent', so it should be easiest for me.. and I can't imagine how Jake and Angie feel.. but I hope to be both of their biggest supports.. It's HARD! I may have underestimated that part.. But I know that neither Jake and I, nor Angie will ever take our Christmas with Kailee for granted! And she will grow up one lucky little girl! And we will cherish every second we have with her..

Hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! And now, the REAL Merry Christmas week for the Black's and the Andrus'!


Giles Fam said...

Sorry your Christmas was a little off this year. I can't imagine how hard it would be to not have your child with you on Christmas. You guys are amazing! Hope you enjoy this weekend with her!

Heather said...

K....so this might have made me cry. You really are such an amazing lady, Lacy! I am guessing it might not be the easiest thing to become a "step-mom", but seeing you with Kailee makes it seem like the most natural thing in the world for you. It is so sweet to see how much you really love her, so glad she has (3)awesome parents, she deserves it!

Aubrey A said...

You know how you can help assuage some of this pain right. . . .*wink-wink* **nudge-nudge** Have a little bambino of your own. :) :) ;) Sorry had to tease you a little, I know that's still some time off in your future. You are truly an inspiration! I hope this week with Kailee is everything you guys deserve. Thanks for showing us all what unconditional love is really about! Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year!!