Why is my damn scale NOT budging? I'm working my butt off and I just don't feel it. My clothes fit better, but I'm ready to see the number go down. I NEED to see the number go down. I don't know what to do about it other than keep on keepin' on. Keep eating right, keep working out, keep drinking lots of water and just hope that someday soon my body will catch up? It's beyond frustrating. I'm ready to toss the scale and just go by the way my clothes fit. The scale is SUCH a mind game for me!
Why does everything in life revolve around money? I hate money. I hate that we work SO hard and yet, it still feels like we are just getting by, paycheck to paycheck. I know that's how it is for most young families. I'm pretty sure it's a survival mode we're in for the next few years, but dang it sucks to work SO hard and not be able to play hard too. I hate bills. :(
Why do I feel like such a failure of a mother lately? Hank has croup. He is not contagious, and is still pretty happy for the most part, but his cough... I can't stand it! I am sad and angry every time he coughs. We are sleeping like crap (all of us) and it's miserable. I feel like I secretly wish time away sometimes. I tell myself constantly 'I can't wait until..' I really try to enjoy every step of parenting, but man, some days I just can't wait for 'tomorrow'. I thought I'd be much more patient at this whole mom thing. I love him SO much it hurts. I'd do anything for him. But man, this mom job isn't easy. I know so many people think we really aren't done having babies. We are. Last night was another reminder how big of a monster I am without sleep. :( I'm SO sick of being tired! We go through phases where I feel like he is finally doing it, and then something else happens, he gets sick, etc and it feels like he's a newborn again! I swear, when he's 15 I'm going to wake him up a million times a night as payback! ;) I try so hard with Kailee to make every second count. Until you have to share time, you could never understand the pain and struggle it is to find balance in enjoying the time together, having fun, and still parenting. Still making sure there are chores, and that we are teaching her something. It's SO HARD! I have completely failed in the 'non fun' department lately and I'm getting anxious to change that. I love our time together, especially our 'fun' time, but I know I'm doing NOTHING to help her and our future. She is old enough to have some household responsibilities and I have to start letting go of the 'control' of those things. This week, I'm promising myself! ;)
I have felt so down lately. So frustrated and like an utter failure in so many aspects of life. I have all of these good ideas and intentions in my head and they just don't work out. I feel like I'm letting someone down ALL THE TIME! I feel like I'm letting myself down most days, but I'm really not sure why?!
What would I do without my husband? What do women do who don't have someone like him to turn to? We've had our struggles, and to be quite honest the last year has been one of the (if not the) toughest year of marriage so far. We've had some lows that I don't know if either of us knew how we were going to get out of. But we did, and we do and we will. He is my best friend. Our marriage the last few weeks has saved me from dropping into some major winter seasonal depression (that is SO real!). He tells me he loves me, he SHOWS me he loves me, he helps with the kids, he helps around the house and with meals. He still to this day tells me thanks for dinner EVERY single night. We've rekindled a missing spark and things are SO good right now. If I'm failing in all the other aspects of my life, we have to be doing something right in our marriage, right?! I love that man. I love holding his hand and I love his hugs. Some days, that is all that is all I need to keep going. He still tells me I'm beautiful, most of the times when he says it I KNOW I'm at my worst. Sweaty from a work out, chubby and no make up, and he still says it. And I know he means it. HE is how I am getting through this!
Honestly, when I started writing, I had no idea what to say. I almost didn't start because let's be honest, is anyone even still reading this?! This is why I write though. It is SO therapeutic to me. I just typed what I was feeling, and what do you know.. I get my frustrations out and suddenly, I see the blessings! I HAVE SO MANY!!!
To my family - Jake, Kailee and Hank, I promise to never stop trying. I will fail you and us a million times, but I will never quit! I will find myself out of these funks and try so hard to be the wife and mommy you all deserve. I promise I am trying!! I LOVE YOU THREE SO MUCH IT HURTS!