Thursday, January 5, 2017

And then REALITY hits...

3:30 am. I'm WIDE awake. I try just closing my eyes, I try Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I try to close my eyes again. Nothin'. It's now 4:47 am and I'm finally sleepy. I turn my alarm off, knowing that Hank is going to daycare and drift to sleep. 5:00 am, Jake's alarm goes off. We both know he's not getting out of bed until 6:00 so I politely (ha ha) ask him to shut it off. He apparently hit snooze. So now from 5:00 - 5:45 I am woken every 9 minutes to wake Jake to shut his alarm off. It was ROUGH this morning.

I have a little anxiety about Hank going to daycare. Last time he did great, but cried (for awhile) going down for his nap and then napped an hour and a half. That kind of nap is pretty normal for us. Well, NOT for daycare. These kids nap for around 3 hours. My dream kids! Yeah, well, not mine! He did fine, but I could tell it was an adjustment for her. About the crying, I don't mind. I've let him cry multiple times. The stubborn little turd will cry for HOURS. He doesn't care if he has to stand there, or lay there or sit there, he's going to cry until your heart and soul can't take it anymore and save him. He'll then crash into your arms and nap.. for 30 minutes OR 1 1/2 hours. Never really know what you're going to get! Well, oddly enough since he's been sleeping through the night his naps have been MUCH better. A lot of days 2+ hours! YAY! Mommy is ready to try daycare again! I'm trying to push out of my head that the last time he went, from that night through the next 5 weeks, he cried bloody murder if he even thought you were putting him in his bed. NO more putting him down awake, the kid acted like you'd cut his arm off. Granted I hadn't let him cry himself to sleep in awhile, mostly because I don't mind rocking him to sleep for naps, and he NEVER had a problem going down at night.. Well, it's probably coincidence and him hitting that stranger danger/don't let my mom out of my sight phase, but it was ROUGH. My mom thought I was crazy when I thought it was because of daycare, and she's probably right.. So here goes try #2! Of course, this morning he woke up at 5:45 am and was a complete monster! Whining and crying, refusing to eat, not letting daddy hold him, etc. He cried SO hard when Jake walked him out to the car I think my heart broke. He cried until they were almost there and then did okay when they got in. Fingers crossed he's playing and having fun. As hard as it was, we both need these breaks.

I find myself feeling like I have to defend that I need a break. I guess I just figured it'd be like a SAHM deal where it just works. These moms seem to have it together, they're ready and they take their kids to do fun things, they get to play and teach their kids all sorts of fun things. Well, yeah.. part of that is true. Except I'm working so I can't just go do things. I can't control my busy times, or explain to my baby that mommy is busy and needs to focus on these numbers. He doesn't care! In fact, that's when he needs me MORE! And now that he's a HUGE help with laundry (side eye), it's even hard to do household stuff with him here. So on days he actually takes a decent nap, I feel like I can do this and I feel sane. On days I get 30 minutes, I want to pull my hair out. So I'm with him, I'm here, but I'm not patient or nice or fun to be around! So yes, I need a break. Sue me. I'm not built to be a SAHM. I need that sense of accomplishment and that purpose that having a job gives me. I LOVE having a super productive day at work. It gives me that boost. I spent 9 years at a company where I was needed probably a little too much, but I was somebody. I've had to adjust a little to being the girl in Utah while the rest of my team is in VT. But at the same time, I LOVE THAT! I get to still feel needed and get all those feelings of accomplishment, without the insane stress I had for so many years! It really is the best of both worlds, WHEN I do it the right way! To stop babbling now, I'm just not cut out to be a SAHM. Maybe if I had unlimited funds, friends who also stayed home, and my shit together, I would be. But it's just not for me. And I also love my job!

And then there are little moments I think I'm doing alright. Like last night while Kailee was here. When I heard "Lacy watch this" 87 times during our basement work out, when I spotted her on a flip on her new tumbling bar, when she wrote all kinds of encouraging words on the cement floor with chalk, and when I watched her be the most incredible big sister and heard Hank laugh harder than he ever does for me. When she asked, like always, if I could make her a lunch for school and I was excited and happy to do it. And then there was the moment I felt like a failure when she asked what was for dinner and I gave her a few options of our meal preps. BORING. Then she says "I'll have a chicken salad". That NINE year old ate a spinach chicken salad for dinner! And then asked for more, twice! I LOVE her. She's the easiest going, most calm and happy, well mannered girl. I'm a better person and parent when she's around. She brings this excitement and life to our home that really can't be put into words. She is our happy!
Am I the only one who enjoys making school lunches? ha ha. I'm weird!

So my lesson and reality today, is not all days start how you want them to. But guess how today is going to finish?! NOT like it would have a few weeks ago! I worked my butt off and got through a TON of my statements, paid bills, cleaned bathrooms (AGAIN), did a load of laundry, washed our sheets, organized our laundry closet, vacuumed and mopped downstairs (AGAIN) and got my work out in! I can do hard things! I can change the path of my day by just getting to it instead of feeling sorry for myself! Today was NOT a good day, and then I decided to change my mind and MAKE it a good day. Happy Thursday, blog friends! Not all days are good, and that's life. It's what we MAKE of those days that changes everything!


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