Compared to What?

Going in a little bit different direction today..

I had a conversation with Jamie this morning about our new lifestyles.. Exercising, being conscious of the foods we eat, counting calories, weight training, etc. At one point I said that I had just recently been able to run a full mile without stopping. But when I said it, it came out a little more like this "only a mile, but that’s a LOT for me. I’m not a runner". Basically, I took something that I was extremely proud of, and compared it to what others can do and made it seem like much less of an accomplishment. Made an excuse for why it was ONLY a mile.. Made it seem small, like no big deal, just a mile type thing. Our converstation ended, and I sat down and couldn’t help but think.. just two short months ago, I hadnt set foot in a gym for close to a year. I certainly hadn’t ran as far as a block, let alone a mile. I was in the WORST shape of my life and the word gym made me have a little throw up in the back of my mouth.. Bascially, I was lazy and tired and reaaaallly out of shape. But how did I so quickly forget that I started the couch to 5k program, and the short one minute runs inbetween 2 minutes of walking nearly made me croak over and die? It was SO hard.Of course, over time, my endurance grew, I started running regularly, feeling the benefits.. and now, my day isn’t complete without some type of cardio work out.. Dammit, I ran a WHOLE mile without stopping!! I’m proud of myself!

So.. back to my point.. Isn’t it funny how we spend so much time and focus "comparing to" something/one else? Even if we don’t mean to. Even if that’s not what we are trying to do.. it sort of just happens.. I have tried really hard in the last 2 years to look for more of the positive. To look at the way I view things and how I let things affect me, rather than blame a person or a situation. Really think about how good I have it in the large perspective. Spent a few hours this morning contemplating it all.. really has put life into perspective again, thought I'd share..

I don’t feel well. I was out 2 days last week with a MAJOR migraine. It was TERRIBLE, the worst pain.. I was down for 2 days. Missed work, didn't shower, could hardly even open my eyes. I was miserable. Compared to what? My uncle Cory battling cancer and chemo therapy for the last 6 months? One of my best friends two little ones battling every day for their lungs to just work properly? People suffering every day from terminal illness? Cancer? Injury? The list goes on and on. Though the migraine was very painful, I am SO lucky that 48 hours later, I was up and at em and tackling the world again. I am so blessed.

I am so tired. I swear.. doesn’t matter if I sleep a full 8 hours.. when my alarm goes off at 4:45 am every Monday-Friday, I feel like punching it. I am SO tired. I don’t want to get out of my warm bed or leave my husband for the day. I want three more hours of sleep and cuddle time. I want to wake up when I’m ready to wake up, dammit. Compared to what? The mommy who’s little one was up all night sick? The person working graveyard on his 2^nd shift of the day? I am not tired. I am up and ready for work. Even if it takes a caffeine pill.. I am up.. I am so blessed.

I don’t want to go to work. I hate waking up so early, sitting at a desk job all. day. long, looking at numbers, bugging people to fix this and do that, being at beckon call for everyone elses’ emergencies, and being underpaid. Compared to what? The homeless man freezing last night because he doesn't have a blanket, let alone a HOME? The husband and father of 4 who lost his job with the recession and has been out of work for the last 3 years and is about to lose his home and all he’s worked for? The 25 year old girl and the kiosk at the mall that I completely ignore every time she asks about my nails. I am pretty dang lucky. I get to come in early so I can leave early every day. I work with the most AMAZING people, and I have a steady paycheck. I love my job.. I am so blessed.

That chick does NOT like me. I can’t win! It doesn’t matter what I do, this girl won’t budge. I have tried and tried to please her, be nice to her, include her. Not working. Compared to what? Someone fake that everyone likes? A lonely person with no friends? THIS girl, who doesn’t like having but one or two friends? No thanks! I am not here to please the world. I am me and I have friends who LOVE me, for that very reason. I don't need to please everyone. In fact, I CAN'T and I don't WANT to. I have the best friends in the world and they are what matters.. I am so blessed.

I wish I could look like that. Ya know, THAT chick.. can eat whatever she wants, never works out.. never sweats or thinks about calories. Perfect legs, bikini bod, perfect boobs, perfectly tanned skin (no moles ;) ), and white teeth. She is 5’ 8" and 115 lbs. I want her body!! Compared to what? The people I watch on The Biggest Loser who have over 200 lbs to lose? The paralyzed young girl who just wants to be able to have legs that work at ANY size? The anorexic that experiences no happiness because all she can think about is food? No thanks! I LOVE my body. The older I get, the more I love it. the few stretch marks on my upper thigh, the pouch I’ve had since I was a kid, my long dorky legs, my long chubby arms and all 5’ 10 1/2 " of me. I love that I’m finally focused on a healthy body and a healthy mind. I love that I FINALY enjoy working out as much as I love food. I love who I am. And I’ve stopped comparing myself to the girl who hasn’t had to work one second in her life for her body. I want MY perfect body. I want to run, sweat, and play with my kids. I want to compare my new body to my old body. Not to some fake, airbrushed, Victoria’s Secret model.

To finish up what turned into a much larger post than planned, I feel like so many of us ‘compare’ our lives to others. Compare our bodies, our minds, our money, our cars, our homes.. everything! We want someone elses life. Why? Because we forget to compare our current selves to our OLD selves. I am better than I was 2 years ago. I am more fit, I have more energy, I have better (and a couple of new) friends, I have had a raise, I have love, I have a family, I have SO many wonderful things!

If you are constantly looking and wishing for the things you DON’T have, you will ALWAYS miss out on the things you DO have.

I LOVE my life! Compared to what? My old one..

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Or Mom.. :) She definitely doesn't LOOK old enough to be a Grandma, but she sure is a good one!

I may be biased, but I think I really have the GREATEST mom in the world! She is funny, gorgeous, smart, loving, giving, accepting, patient, and just beautiful.. inside and out. She has the biggest heart and definitely makes everyone around her feel loved. Especially two sweet little girls who think she walks on water :) 'Gamma'/'Gramma Merlee' is definitely their favorite person on the planet :) Every time we tell Kailee she gets to have 2 sleeps at Grandma's house, she always asks for 10 (or more).. She sure loves her..

The girls and their hottie Grandma at the Kidz Expo :)

I remember when she met Kailee for the first time.. We went to a BYU game and Kailee wasn't even sure about me yet.. But my mom knew exactly the way to her heart. Brought her a princess pen, princess notebook and treats.. She wouldn't ever sit on her lap, but she didn't forget who brought them for her either.. I remember she fell asleep after the game while we were driving to dinner. She slept on Jake's shoulder while we ordered, and I remember my mom asking if she could hold her.. She loved her already, even if Kailee hadn't spoken a word to her. And that's how easy it's all been. With Brooklynn and with Kailee. She is Grandma... She loves those two little girls and treats them like gold! They are so lucky to have her.. :)

Linds and I at the movies with our cute mom!

I can't say enough about the person she is.. About all she stands for and how accepting she is of us as her kids.. and of her new sons-in-law.. She loves those boys so much and has been so good to them.. They both adore her and I know it means the world to them to see her be so good with their little girls.

Isn't she gorgeous? I only hope I can be half as lucky to age as well as she has.. She doesn't look a day older than 29! ;)

Thanks for all you do for us mom! For being the best mom and the best grandma.. For loving and accepting us for who we are.. and for being one of my best friends! We love you so much! Happy Birthday! XoXo

St Patty's Day 2012

Jake and I got to spend St Patty's Day (and weekend) in Wendover with Linds and Joey. We had an absolute blast! Here is a quick recap of some of my favorite moments.. Definitely a weekend I won't forget! We had so much fun!

* Spending an all-adult weekend with Lindsay and Joey
* Our nice hotel room that Joey's sweet step-dad hooked us up with
* Being able to have adjoining rooms with the parents-to-be in their SUITE!.. SO FUN!
* Learning how to bet on games
* FINALLY daring to play Roulette.. and walking away with $75!
* Touching the CUTEST preggo belly EVER at least 50 times :)
* Spending quality time with my beautiful sister who will all too soon be one busy mamma!
* Watching Joey pile the most RANDOM foods ever on his plate at the buffet
* Spending time with my babe doing something we both love
* How may cigarettes one person can really smoke. EWW. Gross. 
* Finally understanding what 'lines' mean with sports bets.. and how a 1/2 of a point can screw you out of big money!!
* Sleeping for 8+ hours a night, and hitting the sack just as the rest of the psycho gambling world was getting started!
* That a Bloody Mary followed by a Mimosa is TOTALLY acceptable in Wendy at 10 am!
* Wendover is sooo close to SLC, yet so freakin' far away!
* How much fun it is to spend time with just the 4 of us..


Before I get too sappy over a weekend in Wendover, I just have to say, I went out there with VERY low expectations.. I mean, it's just Wendover and all we did was watch basketball for 2 days straight.. But it was one of the best weekends I've had in a really long time! I loved spending time with Jake, with my sister and her hubby, and just being away from the 'world' for a bit.. I get so caught up in life sometimes, and though a 2 week trip to the Caribbean sounds WONDERFUL, a quick weekend in Wendover with 3 of my favorites, was just what my tired soul needed! Thanks for such a fun time, Linds and Joey! We love you guys!

Happy Birthday Jamie!

Damn, 30 has NEVER looked so good!

Can you believe THIS hottie is 30?! Me either! J Some good ol’ genes right there!

In all seriousness.. this girl is AMAZING. She means the world to me and to put it blundtly, I know right where I’d be if she hadn’t come into my life when she did. A looney bin. This girl has been my crutch and a wonderful example of diligence, a positive attitude, and strength. I have learned more from her than she could ever imagine or hope to learn from me..

Let me tell you a little about Jamie. This chick is ALWAYS happy. ALWAYS smiling. ALWAYS laughing.. No, but really.. ALL. THE. TIME. She has the best attitude and out look on life of anyone I know. NOTHING breaks her. And it would make perfect sense if I told you she’d had a pretty easy life right? I mean, to be THAT happy, you must’ve had it pretty good. Actually it’s the complete opposite. This girl has been through more than any human being should ever have to be put through. She’s had trials in her time that most people don’t face in their worst nightmares.. times 10. She has been to hell and back more than once. She has had every curve ball thrown at her that exists.. And if she were to throw her hands up and say she’s had enough.. EVERYONE would understand..

And yet.. she still smiles!

Jame, I don’t quite know how to put how I feel about you into words.. other than THANK YOU. Thank you for being so positive and for forcing me to look at things in a different light. Thank you for being such a wonderful example of a strong woman and mother. Thanks for talking me through parenting a little girl. Thanks for introducing me to Jake. Thanks for being one of my biggest supporters. Thanks for listening when you’ve heard it a million times. Thanks for always making me laugh. Thanks for being so loyal. Thanks for understanding me when I’m grouchy. Thanks for being the most amazing friend. Thanks for being my crutch when the rest of my friends were back home. Thanks for being the reason I love work. Thanks for being the funniest/happiest/goofiest person I know.. And last, thank you for being EVERYTHING that you are. Beautiful, funny, smart, kind, loyal, honest, and for being one of my best friends and FAVORITE people in the entire world!

I love you, Jame! Happy birthday to someone who deserves ALL the wonderful things FINALLY coming your way! XoXo

4 years..

There was a point in my life where I remember very clearly thinking.. one week.. I can make it ONE week. Here we are 4 years later. I can truly say, I didn't think I'd ever get here. And I certainly didn't believe that I would be HERE... happy, healthy, safe, healed and in love.

Four years ago today was the absolute worst imaginable day of my life. It was dark, it was lonely, it was scary and it was worse than any nightmare I could have ever feared. I remember it all very well. Sometimes, I wish I didn't remember it at all. March 1, 2008 ended up being a day my life would be forever changed. I would never again feel the same, think the same, look the same or live the same. It was the day I had to decide if this would destroy my future, or shape me into something more than I could have ever imagined for myself.

For those of you who read this who don't know what I am talking about, feel free to ask. I am not ashamed, I am not shy and I am not afraid to share what I have overcome. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, THANK YOU. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for pushing me to places I couldn't comprehend. Thank you for not seeing 'that' when you look at me. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for letting me grow all too fast and all too slow, and heal all too fast and all too slow. THANK YOU.

I woke up today expecting to feel even stronger than I did last year. It took all day for that to happen, but I'm there. I am strong. I am happy. I am safe. I am loved. I am healed. I only could have wished for ONE of those things 4 years ago, and today I am blessed with them all.

Jake, thank you. Thank you for understanding my weaknesses and loving my strengths. I would be lost without your love. I would be lost without your support. And I most certainly would be lost without you by my side for the rest of my life. Thank you.

I am strong. I am happy. I am safe. I am loved and I am healed.