Tuesday, January 10, 2017

When Did I Stop Being a Good Wife?

You know how everything in the beginning is SO perfect? How nothing your boy/girlfriend does bothers you? All you see is the good and all you ACT is good? The 'just because' flowers happen often and kissing and affection are CONSTANT? Where being patient and understanding is easy? When it's easy to just roll with it and not have a plan? I truly think people in new relationships are the best versions of themselves, at least that was true for me. I didn't sweat the little things. I didn't get offended by every. flippin'. thing. I initiated conversations, I kissed him a LOT, I cuddled and I couldn't wait to see him after work. I happily made him dinner and packed his lunches. I couldn't wait to do his laundry and fold his shirts perfectly (he loved that!). I helped plan dates, and made sure we had alone time. So where did that girl go?
Dating in early 2011

I was inspired by a story that was going around Facebook yesterday and today. I read it this morning and cried. To sum it up (for the few of you left who haven't read/shared it), a wife who complained and nagged and resented her husband for tossing his dirty clothes on the floor, suddenly didn't have a husband anymore. He died unexpectedly and that's when she realized how much of their marriage was spent fighting or resenting him for petty things like laundry. Really put things in perspective when the things you complain about doing, you can no longer do because that person is no longer here. No more dirty laundry also means no more husband. 

Now, I consider myself semi-traditional. I don't mind making dinner every night, I don't even mind making Jake's plate and taking it to him. I don't believe I am his maid or servant, but I like doing 'wife' things. But there are days I also resent him for all the 'wife' things that I do. ALL the laundry, the cleaning, the cooking, etc. Does this mean he doesn't help with those things? Absolutely NOT! He truly helps me prepare or clean up dinner every night, throws a load of laundry in every once in awhile, etc. I realize I'm really lucky that way. Not all women have men who help. Also, not all women have husbands who are also amazing fathers. Again, I have that. He's an incredible daddy.

So what am I bitching about?! I know there are things that happen in a marriage or any relationship really, that can stick around and bother us for awhile. Our needs need to be met, and we have to EXPRESS that in order to get it. And sometimes, even after expressing it, it doesn't always happen or change. Trust me, I know. Not throwing Jake under the bus here, but there are definitely things, even lately, I've asked for more of, and he does them.. for awhile, and then it's kind of back to the usual. 

Why is that? HOW many times do we have to tell them what we need?! WHY do we have to tell them? Can't they just see it? Don't they understand?!? Can't they SEE that the laundry needs done? Or the bathroom needs cleaning? Last I checked I am not the only one who uses it! Does he realize when he leaves for work and the bed isn't made, that when he comes home and it is, I DID IT?! Does he realize when he reaches for clean underwear that they are CLEAN and there ready for him? Does he know it's not magic? That I had to load the washer, change to the dryer, fold and put away all before he got home? These are some of the thoughts I have often even though he thanks me for doing all of those things all the time!

On days when those negative thoughts consume my mind, guess how our nights go? I'm short, irritated and even downright resentful towards him. There is no nice Lacy for cuddling or kissing or dancing in the kitchen like we used to do. 

I have been thinking today about WHY that is. Why doesn't he do those things anymore? Hmmm.. read the last few paragraphs and I'm pretty sure I answered my own question! BECAUSE OF ME!! Why would he want to come home and kiss on me when he walks in the door and I'm already annoyed? Why does he want to cuddle on the couch when the kids are in bed after I've barely spoken to him all night? Why does he want to do the little things around the house that need done when he's busy wondering what the hell my problem is? Ahhh, it all makes sense doesn't it?! ;)

Now listen, I don't think that just because I'm also to blame means Jake should get a free pass to neglect my needs, my feelings or our household responsibilities. A lot of these points are valid, and something he can work on. And a lot of the reasons he DOESN'T do the things I want him to, are because there is something I can work on. It really is full circle. I get what I give and vise versa. 

I find myself wanting him to give me 100%, but I'm only giving him 50%. I'm waiting for him to 'meet me in the middle'. I read something that really struck a nerve, and I've seen it several times, but this time it hit me differently. "Marriage isn't 50/50, marriage is 100/100. Divorce is 50/50. If both partners aren't giving it 100, it doesn't work and you end up splitting things 50/50". How true is that?!

So today, instead of worrying about HIM giving his 50, I'm going to give him my 100, and see what I get in return. I bet it's more than 50!

To those struggling in your marriage or your relationship, don't forget why you got in it in the first place. AND more importantly WHO you were in the first place. If I want him to be that man, I guess I had better be that woman!

Love this man and love being his wife!


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