Friday, February 17, 2012

So it's true..

You know.. what they say about when your kids get hurt? Okay.. before I begin my tramatic story, let me say.. I know that some may feel that I wouldn't REALLY understand, because I'm not a mommy yet. But, I am a parent.  I hate when people dismiss me as a "step-mom".. Like it some how means I don't quite care as much as an actual parent.. It's really become my biggest pet peeve lately.. I'll tell you what, if loving my own child is even an ounce more than I love Kailee, I think my heart may physically explode.. I don't believe and refuse to think that those two loves will be any different. One will never be more, one will never be less.. When I married Jake, I knew that. I (luckily) don't have the pressure of having to raise her. She has a wonderful mom and dad who do that.. I am just in more of a 'supporting role' if you will.. But I believe, I too, am responsible for the well being, safety, and teaching right from wrong for this little princess.. So yes, I consider myself a parent.. That being said.. I had my first tramatic experience last week. My heart still hurts a little today. :(

When we meet Angie for the exchange, we always meet in the same place.. Small parking lot, easy access to the freeways for us both, and it's right smack dab in the middle of our two homes.. Works out nicely! Anytime we get there first, Kailee will get out of her seatbelt and come sit on my lap. Last night, nothing different. She crawled up and sat on my lap as we waited for Angie. She was watching for her, and standing on the floor in front of my seat.. She was leaned up against the dashboard, and apparently.. I wasn't thinking. I tickled her sides... She, of course, JUMPED because 1 - it tickled, and 2 - I probably scared the bejeesus out of her. Well, she smacked her poor head right on the windshield.. Hard enough that the windshield cracked.. or shattered, I guess you could say. It didn't exactly break, but you get what I mean..
She didn't cry, scream, or make a sound.. she just cuddled right down... My heart dropped INSTANTLY. Concussion? Did it knock her out? Was she okay? Jake panicked a little, I tried to keep her calm and get her to talk.. A few tears rolled down her cheeks and then it hit me.. I DID it.. I caused that pain. I think my heart broke in half.. right then and there. The tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt AWFUL! She said it hurt, but she was okay.. Angie pulled up and helped calm me down.. and luckily, Kailee didn't jump off of my lap and run to never want to see me again. She sat a cuddled me for a minute.. Her sweet little eyes were dilated, but no bump.. nothing.. I can't describe the feeling.. One of the worst feelings I've ever felt.. :( I could cry right now! She saw Zoey and immediately was fine.. no more tears (she never really cried.. a few tears fell, but not like the CRYING tears). I was horrified. We pulled away after our good-byes and I fell apart. I couldn't hold the tears in for anything. I had caused the little thing I love so much, pain. How do you get over that?! We got home, I washed my face and brushed my teeth.. I couldn't stop thinking about it.. I text Angie and that tough little girl never complained about it once.. she was running around with Zoey and hadn't said a word about it.. I felt a little better, knowing that she was okay.. but the sick feeling was stuck. No sleep for me.. I tossed and turned.. and tossed and turned ALL NIGHT LONG. I have never been so worried.. I never fell into a deep sleep, but hit that middle, where I swore that Angie was trying to call because we needed to go to the doctor.. I probably checked my phone a thousand times.. I totally overreacted, but I felt terrible.. It's been a few days now.. She still hasn't complained about it.. and I'm slowly feeling better about it.. SLOWLY. I talked to her on Monday and asked if she still loved me.. She said she did so I guess I'm safe ;) Ha ha! Very grateful that she is so forgiving of all of my short comings.. There are a LOTof them.. and she loves me anyway. I don't know what I ever did to deserve her love, but I'm sure glad I have it. Thinking about her growing up and going through all of the tough things in life makes me want her to stay 4 forever. She is so funny and loving and happy.. I hope it never changes!
So, now I have to ask.. Selfishly, so I feel better... Have any of you had a similar experience? Ever done something like that that hurt your child and wondered what he hell you were thinking?!? Please!... someone make me feel better! :)


Aubrey A said...

Oh honey! Yes, yes, yes!!! A million times over. I have cried myself to sleep so many nights begging to be forgiven not only by my children for my ineptitude as a parent, but also by God for hurting his precious children that he gave to me. The pain that I caused my children was an instant to them, but it left me reeling. :) Don't feel so guilty. Remember parenting is a learning curve and you jumped into it 4 1/2 years in!! You haven't had as many years to make mistakes yet, but you'll continue to have them. Doesn't make you a bad parent, it makes you a good one. :) Lots of love girlie.

Kenzie Hadley said...

You are too damn cute!! Kids are so tough, those things don't even faze them. This weekend Oakley fell out of a trailer door backwards and landed straight on her neck from 4 feet up. Her neck wasn't even sore!! Mine wouldn't be able to move if it had happened to me. This is only one example of SO many I could give to you.
Kids are more tough than we are and they definitely don't attach it to being anybody's fault. Don't feel bad!! :)