So I have officially hit the 12 week mark, and little baby is still a secret. Minus Austin, of course! It's been a little bit harder, as having a baby, and pregnancy has seemed to come up A LOT lately. I feel like an awful person and liar to those who've asked if we're still trying, or if there is any news yet.. Its HARD for me to lie! I'm a little surprised ya'll haven't busted me! Other than my sister who asks nearly EVERY time I see her (for the past 2+ years) 'are you pregnant?', and every time for the last month and a half I have answered 'yes'. Albeit, sarcastically, I have said yes! Luckily she hasn't caught on yet! ;) Just a few more days and we'll finally get to share our news! I think the trickiest part for us has been the when and how.. We have so many family members and people close to us we want to tell privately and in person, but getting each of our families together, NEAR the same day, is TOUGH! With Tyler and Riley coming home so close together, we feel like it's perfect timing for big family get together's. Though one thing we've worried about is not wanting to take the spotlight off of these amazing men just returning from their missions, so hopefully we can find a good way to do it! :).
I am still feeling great! I've had no morning sickness, and the fatigue and bloat are so much better! My only issue lately has been some food aversions. Meat is the worst. Or preparing and then eating that meal? no thanks! It really happened maybe two to three times in the first 10 weeks, and the last two it's been almost constant. I've had to gag food down that I've prepared and brought for lunch because it was my only option. I've always loved leftovers and meal prepping for the week, but that may have to change for a little bit! ;) All I want is a sandwich, still.. in fact, I had Jimmy Johns today! :) I know, I know.. deli meat.. I've decided not to be paranoid about all of those little things. I understand and completely respect the concern for listeria.. But to be honest, some of that seems a little much to me. I'm just trying to do what's best for me, my body and now my baby.. and the rest of the things that are 'questionable' I will leave as that and do/eat as I see fit. Judge away! ;)
It feels nice to finally have some energy back, though by Friday's I'm pretty pooped! We started going to the gym in the mornings the last few weeks.. Now, by morning, I mean my first alarm goes off at 3:30 am.. So technically, we're getting up in the middle of the night to hit the gym! ;) It is worth it though to have the flexibility to leave the office a little later than normal, or go home and do laundry, cleaning, etc. instead of having to hit the gym first. Plus, the parking lot at 4:00 am? Empty! We don't ever have to wait for a piece of equipment so our workouts go much faster! It makes it worth it most days!
I haven't gained any weight so far which has been nice. I promised myself I wouldn't be too concerned over the pounds, but after dropping nearly 40 in the past two years, its somewhat of a mental game. That sounds incredibly selfish, right? Again, judge away! I'm working through it! This last week I have definitely felt much thicker around my stomach area though, and my smallest jeans are getting a bit tight around the belly. I'm starting to feel like I look a bit chunky.. ;) It might be time to invest in the belly band, not ready for maternity clothes just yet! ;)
This week has been a strange one for me. I've felt a lot of sadness, fear, and guilt.. For lots of reasons and some of them don't need to be named. I am definitely feeling emotional, and according to Jake I've liked picking fights lately. ;) So sorry babe! I'm trying so hard not to take the burden of life and those I love and care about on my shoulders, but huge parts of me feel it. I have friends that I absolutely adore going through fertility issues. I have friends asking to make plans in the near and far future and I've been a TOTAL flake, I have a family torn in a million different directions and a brother coming home to a completely different family dynamic, my sister/best friend going through a divorce, work is the busiest it has been in years, and we are converting to a new system in June (great!) and my boss mentioned today that I can't ever have a baby (jokingly of course!), and a 7 year old who won't stop growing up! Just lots of things weighing on my mind that I wish I could fix. I know that these people will be so happy for me and support me 110%, but a part of my heart hurts with theirs. Here I am having a baby, and they are going through all of these hard and awful things. It makes me sad!
I've also felt really alone.. Now I'm going to be BRUTALLY honest here, and as I'm typing this I haven't been able to think of the right words to say to Jake about why I've become so distant with him. I worried about this before marrying him, and its nothing HE'S done. Just my own weird woman feelings. But I kind of feel like I'm bugging him when I talk about the pregnancy lately. And really, I don't talk about it a whole lot. He rarely brings it up anymore, other than to make sure I'm eating, feeling okay, not pushing it too hard in our cycling class, etc. this is in NO way a bash on him. It's just one of those moments where I feel like he's 'been there, done that'.. and this is all so new to me. None of this makes sense to anyone else, I'm sure.. and that's okay! These are feelings I have and getting them 'out' in whatever sense I can has always been my therapy. And the truth is, he HAS been there and done that.. And without that I wouldn't have Kailee or her mom in my life and for that I am SO grateful.. But I do feel alone. Most of that, I'm sure is that no one knows yet, and now we've known for almost 8 weeks. I guess I just want to have someone I can turn to, and say 'is this normal?'. I know soon I will, and I'm really looking forward to that day! Until then, I am so thankful for Jake and how loving and caring he is, and maybe it's me who needs to open up more about it. He takes such good care of me, he really does. But I'd be lying if I didn't say I was REALLY excited to have a woman to talk to about all of this! :) I guess more than alone, I feel like I'm hiding from people and situations, and that is SO not me!! I'm normally such an open book so this has been strange!
To those of you who've asked and I've brushed it off, or straight up LIED, I'm SO sorry!! There have been many of you. I feel so guilty about it! I hope someday you all understand with the chaos in our lives, we've kind of wanted to, and needed to keep this to ourselves until we know everything is okay not just with baby, but with LIFE! Our next appointment is a week from today, and I will officially be out of that first trimester, and then I promise.. NO MORE LYING! :) I love you all, and I know you all love me too and will be so happy for us, despite what may be going on in your own lives. And for that, I can't thank you enough! It takes a big heart and a mature person to look past their own hurt and situation and be happy for someone else. So, thank you! For being patient, for being understanding and for loving us no matter what! :)
To end this what turned into quite the depressing blog post, I am beyond thrilled, elated and blessed to be pregnant with this baby! To think, God is trusting ME with a human being and to be someone's full time mommy? It still blows me away and brings a tear to my eye! I am so happy and so excited for our little family and our future! All things that are worth it, are scary! This baby will be one of the biggest blessings of so many lives, and for that, I am beyond thankful! I get butterflies every day when I look in the mirror and for the first time, feel that there is someone else with me at all times. I love the feeling I get when I'm laying in bed and I put my hand on my tummy and KNOW that there is a baby in there. Someone who will someday call me mommy, and that makes my heart happier than I could ever put in to words on a blog! I am so so so very happy and excited for the next year of life for our little family! I'm so excited for Jake to be a daddy again, for Kailee to be a big sister, for so many things! It's going to be an amazing year!!